Time For Change

I've sort of hit the rock bottom of the funk that I was in...and the only solution is, I need to make some changes in my life. The only problem is, I don't really know what to change or where to start. I can't move because my lease isn't up until February. I can't really do anything with my apartment because I don't own it. I've dyed my hair multiple times (but that's always an easy change, maybe I'll have a professional do it this time). If I could get a new job, that would be great...however, that's easier said than done! I've decided I need a hobby...but again, I need to figure out what that's going to be. I looked at Pima's website to see what sort of non-credit classes they offer...some of them sound interesting...but most of them are cancelled. It's something that's easy though and I can keep looking. I just need to fill my time with something. I come home from work and I watch TV. On the weekends, I spend most of my time on my couch...and sometimes I hang out with friends. Sitting on my ass at home makes me feel like a loser...that there's something I could be doing but I don't know what that is. I need to change it...it's these things that keep me in the funk that I'm in. I am, for the most part, pretty happy with my life. But I've come to realize that there's so much more I could be doing. I'm 29, I don't have kids, I don't have boyfriend/husband, I don't really have any obligations to anyone (except my work)...so what am I doing? I could be living anywhere, doing anything...but yet, here I am...dealing with this sadness, and not at all doing anything to get out of it. But I've had it.

I hate it when good things happen to bad people...they don't deserve it. Why can't good things happen to those who deserve it? Why is it that people who treat other people like shit always come out on top and happy? I'm a good person...and I haven't had anything horribly bad happen to me...but it's the little bad things that add up and piss me off. But yet those people that treat me like shit, always have good things happen to them. It's not fair...and that's what put me at "rock bottom."

Friday was the day it happened. I had a shitty week and Friday was the icing on the shit cake. I had to drive up to Mesa for Arianna's birthday and it gave me some nice, total alone time to sort of think about what the hell I'm going to do with my life. I have sort of realized what I want to do for a career...I want to work for a baseball team...major, minor, independent...it doesn't matter. I've never really known what I wanted to do...but after meeting with General Manager from the Tucson Toros, I realized that that would be the perfect job for me. It's laid back, it's fun, I love baseball, and there are men. And I've also decided that I need to move out of Tucson. There's really nothing here for me...yes, my brother and Mya are here, and a few select friends...but they all have a life here...and I really don't. So I'm thinking that when my lease is up here, it's time for me to go. I might try Phoenix first...see how I can handle a bigger city....and that way, I can be closer to my sister. I find that as I go through this drama that I find myself in, I want to be closer to my sister. And in Phoenix, maybe I'll meet someone. I've run out of options for men here in Tucson...so yes, part of the reason it's time for me to leave Tucson is because I'm ready to meet someone...and that's not really working out for me here. And I need to leave the past behind. There are constant reminders here of the life I used to have...and I find that when I'm sad, these reminders make it worse.

So until my lease is up (and I find a job in Phoenix/Mesa/Chandler), I need to try and change the way I live my life here...and the first step to doing that, is to find a hobby. I need to quit spending so much time in my apartment and get out...do something, meet new people. I'm 29...and this isn't the way I wanted to start out my 29th year. I didn't want to start it out sad (the birthday itself was pretty good) but I can't seem to snap out of it. I've only been 29 for less than a month...and it needs to start getting better.