So Much To Say, So Little To Say...

Do you ever have so much to say but yet nothing to say at the same time? Like everything that you're thinking, you've said a million times? And that everyone is tired of hearing it? I feel like writing a blog, but I don't know what to say. I wish I could just lay it all out here, just to get it all off my chest...maybe that would make me feel better...but at the same time, who wants to read it all? I'm sure they hear enough about it when I talk to them. And I know that I talk about the same thing all the time.

Everyone says that as a deployment goes on, it gets easier. But for me, it doesn't. Every day gets harder because I realize how much I miss Sean...and how much of a part of my life he really is. It's not easy...and I want to know how people make it easy. I keep myself busy, I hang out with family and friends, but yet I always come home, alone. We're almost halfway done...and although it seems like it's gone by pretty fast, most days, it doesn't seem that way. And every day, someone asks me when he comes back...and when I respond "February," I inevitably get the "oh, that's far away." Yes, I know that. Lord knows, I know that.

And here's a part that sucks...by the time he comes home, we'll have been together for a year. But really, we'll only have been together for 6 months. One whole year of being in a relationship, but only together, with each other, for 6 months. Is that weird? I know we aren't the first couple that this has happened to, but it just seems so weird to me. What sucks even more, is we'll never get those 6 months back. We'll never get our first holidays together, or our one year anniversary back. We've done the best we can...we write each other letters; we send each other packages; we talk to each other every day; we tell each other how much we love each other...and really, that's all we can do. I love the letters he sends me and I love talking to him, because it shows me that he's ok. But it doesn't change the fact that he's not here, that he's not with me. And it makes me sad. But I have to say, the deployment has definitely made us closer and made us realize how much we want to be together, for the rest of our lives.

But there are definitely days when I need him here. Like when I'm supposed to have a day with my dad, a day that we had planned, just him and I...and it gets completely ruined like it always does. I needed Sean that day because I felt completely defeated and sad...and I had to come home, alone. It's heartbreaking when you think that you're going to have a day with your dad, a day that you need because you need to have a conversation with your dad, and he just doesn't care. Maybe I needed that to happen so I could realize that it's just not worth trying anymore. Why try to work on the relationship if he doesn't care? He has no idea and it sucks...but I'm tired. He's got his family now, and unfortunately, his actual children and grandchildren are not really a part of that. So when you reach that conclusion, you wish that you had the person you loved there to give you a hug. But I survived, and I moved on...because I don't have a choice.

I knew when I met Sean that this could happen. And it did. And it sucks just like I knew it would. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know it was going to be this hard...I prepared myself for this being difficult, and I thought I did a pretty good job. But I didn't do as good of a job as I thought. So much has happened during all of this and it's just completely overwhelming. I'm stressed, I'm sad, I'm unhappy, I'm not the person I was when Sean was still here. I do my best but it's getting more difficult. I'm not looking for pity, I don't want people to feel bad for me...just understand why I'm not completely myself.

See, I had stuff to say...and it probably sounds like rambling...hell, it doesn't really make sense to me either...but that's just how my mind is working these days. There's too much going on up there and I don't know how to get it out...