Veil of Darkness

Maybe I'm slowly starting to come out from the under the veil of darkness I've been under for so long. Maybe you have to hit rock bottom, and put it all out on the line before you can ever start to move on. It's been a rough few weeks, not that this whole deployment hasn't been rough...but that's beside the point. I reached a point where I just wanted to hide...not leave my apartment, not talk to anyone, just sort of pretend that all the issues and all the stress weren't there. But unfortunately, you can't hide from stuff like that. So I bucked up, and I forged ahead...and I discussed the issues I had and believe it or not, I feel better. I've decided to take a step back from the things that were stressing me out...things that I'm somewhat involved in, but yet don't really have to take care of. It's helped a little bit, not saying I don't still stress about those things, but having removed myself a little more, I don't feel as overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning there for a while, and didn't want to come back up. I was ready to throw in the towel. I've never had to deal with any of this...a deployment, a possible stepson, an ex-wife...not to mention the issues that I've had with my father but haven't ever dealt with...it all hit at once, and I just wanted to let it all go, pretend it didn't exist, and just forget it all. But I decided I couldn't do that...not without saying anything first. So I said it...I made ultimatums, I cried, I finally said the things I was afraid to say...and it helped. So I'm glad I didn't just give up and move on...I'm glad I said what I said. Granted, I heard things I didn't want to hear, but upon thinking about it, some of those things made sense, and some of those need to be done...I may not be happy about it, but believe it or not, it's not always about me. So I'll deal with it...knowing that it won't be this way forever.

And apparently, we're reaching the 100 day mark. I'd love to be excited about that...because it sounds like the deployment is almost over and that things are going by quickly...but, that just means that there's about another 100 days of it left. It feels like I've been counting forever, and that August 5th was months and months and months ago...but it's not even half over yet. We're just barely reaching 3 months of him being gone...but it really feels like it's been 6 months. That's still another 100 days of not seeing him, not smelling him, not being with him, not sleeping with him. That's still another 100 days of dealing with all of this without him. And I've never hated months with 31 days more in my entire life than I do right now. Why can't they all have only 28 days like February? Then it would be less than 100 days until I could see his face. It's kind of sad because although I see his picture every day, I sometimes forget what he looks like. You take that for granted when you see someone every day...and then when they're gone, you miss their face. I miss that little scar on his face. So I guess at least it's almost half over...but my God, 100 days more sounds like a long time. I'll try not to stress over the stuff I can't control, maybe that'll make time go by faster.