Where Were You?

Where were you 10 years ago today? I was walking out of my bedroom to get ready for class when Christine came out of the living room and said "the world is ending today." I had no idea what she was talking about...until I walked into the living room and just stared at the TV. We saw the second plane hit...and we were speechless. There were no words that could describe what we had just seen. I proceeded to get ready for class and we drove to U of A. It was eerie. Most classes were canceled, except for mine. I remember seeing huge crowds of people on the mall in between my classes. People in tears, people embracing, angry people...there was such a mix of emotions. We ended up having dinner at Olive Garden for Jay's birthday that night...and I remember laughing and then feeling bad because I was laughing in the midst of such tragedy. About a week later, Christine and I were part of the human flag that the people of Tucson created at Tucson Electric Park. It was hot but it didn't stop any of us from showing our patriotism and the love for our country. Being a part of that flag is something that I'll always remember and be proud of.

And now I sit here, 10 years later, watching footage of those events and I can still picture that exact day. And I sit here watching this footage, knowing that my boyfriend is in Afghanistan right now, on the 10 year anniversary. It's our 7 month anniversary, but it just doesn't seem right to want to celebrate it or to tell people about it. I sit here, on our 7 month anniversary, and I miss him because he's defending our country against the people who did this our country 10 years ago today. I sit here worried that there could be some kind of attack on the base he's at. You never know what these people are thinking, I mean, who could have known they'd crash planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and then into a field in Pennsylvania. I'm constantly worried about him while he's gone...I always tell him to be safe when he has to run out the airfield...but today, the worry is much worse. He told me he was nervous about it...which only makes me more nervous. I know that what he's doing over there is necessary but it doesn't make me like it. I know that he chose to defend our country and that this is what he loves to do...but I don't love it, not today. I'm not saying I'm not proud of him, because on this day, I've never been more proud...but I've also never been more scared of him being in the military. I need him to come home to me, to his son, to his friends, to his family.

So how am I handling the deployment? I'd like to say that I'm doing pretty well...but I also fear that that may be a lie. It sucks...it's difficult...it's depressing. Half of my heart is gone. I don't get to touch him, kiss him, smell him, hear his voice everyday, or just be around him. And when I get home from work, and I come home to an empty apartment, it makes me sad...because I know that I won't be seeing him. I won't get to go to lunch with him during the week, sleep in his arms at night. And yet, I can't tell him this because everyone says that you have to be strong on the homefront. Don't tell them that you're not okay because they don't need the stress, they need to stay focused. So I put on a good show..."today was good." I tell him the things I've been doing to keep my mind off the fact that he's gone. It sounds like I'm handling it well. But even when I'm "keeping myself busy," he's on my mind. Oh, it's this time of day, that means he's sleeping...or working...or talking to Carter. He's constantly on my mind.

The first month was horrible. It was the adjustment period that everyone talked about. And everyone was right...it was bad. The day I dropped him off at the airport, and watched him walk away with his 77 pound bag in his uniform, I just stared after him. I had never pictured myself here...but yet, here I was. And I was overcome with a sense of immense pride, and sadness. I went home, cried, took a nap and went to Monica's. I knew I couldn't be alone because I knew I'd fall apart and not want to do anything. I slowly picked myself up, and then I'd fall right back down. And it's been that way ever since. I've had good days, and I've had days where I don't want to get out of bed or speak to anyone. The good days are happening more often than the bad...but that doesn't mean that I miss him any less. In fact, every day that goes by, I miss him more. There are days when it's hard to picture his face and to remember what his voice sounds like...and it's only been a month...there's still a little over 5 more to go.

There were some rough patches for the first 3-4 weeks...where I felt so stressed out that I thought I was going to explode. Being stuck in the middle of him, his friends, his son, his mom...I was the middle man because I was the one who talked to him most. What can I tell him? What shouldn't I tell him? Is it okay to tell him things that other people need to tell him? I wanted to rip my hair out, I wanted to dig a hole and crawl into and not come out until February. But I couldn't, because I had to be strong, for him. He couldn't know that I was feeling all of this...but one day, I exploded and I told him everything. And I told him I was sorry for telling him because I knew I wasn't supposed to...and he said he wanted to know. So with everything that he's dealing with in Afghanistan, he still wants to know when I'm having a bad day. But for the most part, I still don't want to tell him. It's not fair for me to constantly tell him that it's been a bad day of missing him. He needs to be focused on his job and I need to be strong for him...and I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. But dammit, I want him home.

So here I am, 10 years later...extremely proud of Sean but yet so angry because these terrorists took him away from me for 6 months. And I feel bad for being angry that he's gone for 6 months when thousands of people lost their loved ones forever. He's defending our country because of the senseless act that happened 10 years ago today. So, on our 7 month anniversary, I can't celebrate it with him. I can't hug him, kiss him, hold him, smell him, talk to him, see him...all I can do is try to remember how he feels, how he smells, how he sounds.

I'm proud to be an American, I'm proud to be in love with a service member, and I'm proud that the United States didn't back down...but please, bring my Airman home safely. Happy 7 month anniversary Sean. I can't wait to be in your arms again. Please stay safe defending our country. I love you.