A Little Bit of Bah-Humbug

Tis' the season...and I'm just not feeling it. I'm not in the spirit this year. It's been 80 degrees here and I haven't been home much. I didn't decorate my apartment this year either. I didn't want to help decorate the office...but was guilted into it. And now that a funk has settled upon me, I just sort of want the season to be over. I got my Christmas shopping done...but I don't want to wrap any of them. I just sort of want to give them to everyone in the bags that they're in...with the tags still on them. I haven't made my Christmas cookies either. It's the one time of year when I will actually bake and want to...but not this year. I know I still have time, and perhaps I'll force myself to do it, but I don't want to. Maybe my attitude will change when I get to my sister's house and see how excited my nieces are...but until then, is it over yet?

There's just a lot on my mind, and celebrating Christmas isn't one of them. I've just been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to some conclusions. What I do with those conclusions is another story. But I finally realized that I'm alone because I choose to be. That hasn't always been the case, but lately it has. Whenever the option becomes available and it looks like a relationship could happen, I find something to make it not happen. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give up the routine that I have created for myself. I'm used to my life the way that it is, and I don't know that I want to fit someone else into that...or change the way I live my life for someone. Perhaps if I feel that it's the right person, I'll change my mind. But the problem is, even if it is the right person, will I give him the chance for me to find out? I don't know.

Another conclusion that I've come to is that I need to quit going back to the past. It didn't work out for a reason. So I need to stop giving the past second chances (sometimes more). And I need to quit thinking about them and wondering where they are now and how they're doing and blah blah blah. It didn't work out. The end. But there's one that I just can't quite get out of my head...and it's because there was no closure whatsoever. He just disappeared. Gone. I don't like that I wonder. I knew that it wasn't going to work...but now that I don't have the option of going back because he disappeared, I think about it a lot. In fact, I had a dream about him last night. And I woke up a couple times after that dream and I was sad. I saw him in the dream and we were yelling at each other, and then I started running and I was crying and I ran into him (literally) and he just put his arms around me...and then he said he still had feelings for me but he was getting married. Wow. See why it affected me? Ugh. That dream has ruined my day. And I hate it. And then I see other things, like people that I used to date (or that used me for sex...whatever you want to call it) that are dating other people and it makes me sad. But I know, that if they were to come back, I would find a reason to make it not work.

I have issues. And I need to figure it out. Because it's ruining my holiday. I wish I could stop liking the ones that don't like me back. I wish I could like the ones that do like me. I wish I could stop attracting the ones with too much baggage...that I know aren't ready for anything. But I pick them...and I allow them in...and then they hurt me. Bleh. Same shit, different day. Therapy maybe?